The Enneagram 9 is one of our society’s most integral pillars and one of the most forgotten-about groups on the Enneagram.
Nines are naturally incredibly trusting and stable people. Most people know Nines by their nickname, the peacemaker, because a Nine cannot dwell in unrest or stress. Depending on the Nine’s wing, the type will either solve any problem or point of tension people are dealing with in one fail swoop, or they’ll go hide in a corner until everything is resolved.
Although the Peacemaker nickname works exceptionally well for this type, Nines have also been called the Chameleon of the Enneagram. To make everyone around them feel seen, heard, and valued, a Nine can often take up the traits of those they’re around to include them and make others feel at ease.
But because of all of this work that the Nines of this world put toward making harmony in their lives and in the lives of others, they often go unnoticed and unthanked.
Because Nines so desperately want to live in harmony with those they love, they will often bend over backward and even lose themselves if they feel like they need to appease those around them and make everything okay.
A Nine is the most likely type to lose themselves in the process of making everything peaceful around them. Often, it’s hard to know what a Nine is thinking or feeling because they’ve spent so much of their lives hiding their true desires so that they might fit into the mold that other people need.
If you’re in a relationship with an Enneagram type Nine, you’ll know that it will sometimes be impossible to have an argument with them or a difficult conversation because they will naturally take your side on almost everything. If a Nine starts a fight and then begins to feel as though their side of things will cause trouble, they’ll switch over immediately.
Enneagram 9’s are some of the best people to have in your corner and to be around you when you’re upset or need a shoulder to cry on.
The Peacemaker Overview
While nearly every other type on the Enneagram seeks to gain something out of their life through their endless striving or performing, all a Nine really desires and needs at the end of the day is a deep connection with those whom they love and internal peace that surrounds them in any and every situation.
Nine will sacrifice almost everything they have to create a world in which they want to live and feel safe every day.
Although Nines are at the center of the instinctual center of the Enneagram, they are the type that is most out of touch with themselves, their feelings, and their desires. The Nine has, more often than not, spent their entire lives trying to be someone for everyone and to show up for those who need them.
And while that is a noble pursuit, Nines will often be the victims of their own actions because of this, and they will forget to check in on themselves as much as they’re checking in on those around them.
Nines are naturally introverted people who prefer to live in their heads, entertaining worlds of fantasy and make-believe more than the world around them.
When a Nine is able to strip down everything around them and really get to the bottom of what they want out of life, their primary need is to have inner stability and peace of mind. And on the opposite hand, Nine’s greatest fear is loss or separation.
Because of this, most Nines have ironically reworked their entire lives to appease and blend in with those around them while also often losing themselves in the process.
Enneagram 9 in Stress
When a Nine is stressed out and unhealthy, they will take on the worst qualities of an Enneagram 6. Suddenly, the once peaceful and content Nine will be anxious and worried all of the time, and they will unhealthily cling to their partners to get them through whatever is ailing them.
A Nine will also often shut down, as they, like Threes, can completely disengage with their inner feelings. Although, unlike Threes, who take advantage of their time without feelings to get stuff done, a Nine will sink into the hole that they have made for themselves, full of decisions they need to make, need to do, and need to face.
When a Nine is forced to make too many decisions and have their voice heard about certain topics, they will retreat into themselves because they have been taught for so long not to rock the boat and change anything.
Unhealthy Nines will often use coping mechanisms that come in the form of mind-numbing activities to escape from the world around them.
Enneagram 9 in Growth
When Enneagram 9’s are at their healthiest, they will take on the best traits of Enneagram 3. Suddenly, the peaceful and slow-moving Nine will become focused and ready to take on the day.
All of the tasks that once buried them and made them seize up with fear can be accomplished as soon as the Enneagram 9 becomes healthy and is able to reconnect with their best and most productive selves.
When a Nine is at their best, they can be healthy mediators who want everyone to get along, and they seek to make that harmony last in their lives. People will often flock to Enneagram 9’s because they know that the Nine will always have a wise word of wisdom when it comes to fixing any of their problems.
At their best, Nines are welcoming and warm people to whom others are drawn and want to be around.
Enneagram 9 with Wing-8
Nine-wing-Eights can be called the Referee or the Advisor of the Enneagram. These two opposing types coming together to form one Enneagram can always lead to a bit of struggle as the Nine has to deal with the combative nature of an Eight while still having to balance their lackadaisical instincts.
Nines with an Eight wing are often more assertive than the ‘typical’ Nine is thought to be. They are incredibly social beings, and this type is known for being assertive and letting their voice be heard above the noise when necessary.
Because a Nine’s entire goal in life is to have inner peace, when their type is mixed with an Enneagram number that is their complete opposite, many Nines don’t know what to do or how to react to this merge.
That Being Said:
Nine-wing-Eights are highly sociable, active, and valuable members of society. The natural Nine gets their energy and a kick in the butt from their Eight wing, which often propels them toward greatness.
Although the Eight wing does help the Nine get out more and become more of a loud and sturdy voice, Nines are still Nines. Many Nine-wing-Eights still struggle with difficult situations, and unless it’s absolutely necessary, they will avoid making decisions or letting their opinions be heard and voiced above anything else.
Enneagram 9 with Wing-1
Although these two types are oppositional in some ways, the Nine-wing-One pairing can create an extremely powerful person dedicated to creating good in the world.
Nines who have a wing One are hard-working individuals, as the One wing can propel the Nine into getting things done. Because the One is so focused on creating good in the world and the Nine wants peace and harmony, this Enneagram wing pairing sets the individual up for success.
Nine-wing-Ones are often referred to as the Negotiator or the Dreamer of the Enneagram. These people see the world’s potential and will work hard to make that possibility a reality for those around them.
This type will often be optimistic and orderly, avoiding hardships or negative emotions at all times. They are focused and able to see everyone’s problems from multiple different sides so that they can then solve the issues that come to them.
This type’s weakness comes when the self-conscious Nine mixes with the overly critical One. As a result, Nine-wing-Ones will often forget that they are humans too, and they need good and peace in their lives just as much as others do.
How the Enneagram 9’s Characteristics Apply to Romance and Dating
Nines are some of the best partners to have, especially if you’re the type of person who needs someone who will sit with you and hold you for hours. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who you can be silent with and who has no expectations for you, you need to be with a Nine.
Nines are often seen as the homebodies of the Enneagram. These are the people whose worst nightmare is going out to a party or a fancy dinner after a long day. If you’re a social butterfly and you’re in a relationship with a Nine, you might notice that there is often nothing that they would rather not do than go out.
It’s important to note that a Nine can often be an emotional sponge to everyone around them. Nines are often natural empaths who can feel and sense all of the emotions around them. And because they want to make everything right as soon as they’re faced with conflict, it can be very draining for a Nine to go out and feel everyone’s feelings.
Enneagram 9’s love people by staying out of their way and fully supporting them. And while this might sound like a dream partner for many people, many people in a relationship with a Nine can often feel as though they’re not being seen or heard as much because a Nine will go along with whatever they say.
If you’re in a relationship with a Nine and their non-commital attitude makes you worried that they’re not as invested in your relationship as you are, just know that that’s how a Nine shows love and support.
Tips for Keeping The Enneagram 9’s Interested
If you’re in a relationship with a Nine and you’re wondering how best to love them, we’ve got you covered. Learning how to love an Enneagram 9’s can sometimes be a lifelong journey because Nines are often a mystery, even to themselves. That being said, here are a few ways to show your Enneagram 9 partner that you really love them.
Spend Time in Deep Conversations
While Nines might often want to avoid getting too deep and personal about their feelings, they also value quality and intentional time with the people they love.
If you’re dating someone who identifies as an Enneagram 9, it might be helpful for both of you to spend some time really getting deep and learning about your partner. Ask them questions you might have never thought about before and get to know them as best you can.
Nines want to be seen and heard, so when you put the time and effort into getting to know your partner, they’ll feel that.
Stay in and Cozy Up
In general, Nines are extreme introverts who would prefer a quiet night snuggling with their partner to just about anything else. If you’ve noticed that your Nine has been downtrodden and low energy recently, try to make an effort to have a quiet date night together.
Nines want to be with their partners at all times, but going out can drain them. Instead of planning exciting activities for the both of you, stay in and be with each other.
Because Nines are emotional sponges, if someone around them, especially someone they love and care for, is being negative, it can be tough for them to hear the other person while still balancing their inner peace.
In general, when you’re with a Nine, avoid gossiping or dwelling on the negative. This type does not need to be weighed down by anything around them, and sitting in sadness won’t help either of you.
Things to Consider When Dating an Enneagram 9
Enneagram 9’s are some of the best partners to have when you’re thinking about the big picture for your life. In general, most people don’t want someone who is highly combative and feels the need to let everyone know their opinion about everything.
Nines are genuinely the perfect partners to go through life with. But the type still has its flaws.
It can be extremely difficult to be in a real relationship with a Nine because this type naturally does not like to make decisions or to make big moves in their lives. Nines need to be prompted multiple times to do something before they actually get around to doing it, and that hesitation can often be very frustrating for both parties involved.
Many people in a relationship with Enneagram 9’s can also have trouble trying to get them to discuss their emotions or opinions on certain topics.
It’s truly a lifelong journey to get to know your Enneagram 9 partner because they don’t always know themselves fully. Or if they do, they don’t like to share those thoughts and revelations with others around them.
The Enneagram 9’s Compatibility with Other Enneagram Types
Because an Enneagram 9 naturally gets along with most other types, it’s a good rule of thumb that this is one of the few Enneagram types that will be able to have a great relationship with just about anyone. That being said, there are a few pairings on the Enneagram that can help the Enneagram 9 thrive.
Enneagram 1 – The Reformer
The Enneagram 9 and One pairing is one of the strongest out there. The One and the Nine are wholly dedicated to making the world around them a beautiful and safe place, so together, they’re the power couple dedicated to creating good all around them.
But the good things about this pairing don’t end there.
The One and the Nine are two of the most dedicated Enneagram types. Together, they will seek to know each other fully and completely. The types are extremely similar, so frequently, one will know what the other is thinking or feeling before they have to express it.
This knowledge and deep understanding are excellent for both types because the One can often be overly critical of themselves, something that is done in silence and in the dark. Meanwhile, the Nine will often forget or dismiss their feelings for others to have the spotlight.
But because both types are dedicated to doing good and loving others profoundly and wholly, thee problems and inner struggles will be seen and helped before anything bad can happen.
Enneagram 2 – The Helper
Many will argue or at least assume that Enneagram 9’s and Twos are some of the best people anyone could be in a relationship with.
These two types are dedicated to loving their significant others with everything in them and constantly trying to focus on the good in the world around them.
The Two and the Nine will be utterly dedicated to creating a safe and loving environment in their home, and everywhere they go.
While the two types together might lack some boundaries, this pairing creates one of the most loving couples on the Enneagram.
The Enneagram 9’s Incompatibility with Other Enneagram Types
While no one should ever feel dissuaded from dating someone who doesn’t exactly fit with their type, there are a few Enneagram numbers that clash with the Nine so much that they might want to keep them in mind when they’re approaching the dating world.
Enneagram 5 – The Investigator
Opposites often attract when it comes to Enneagram pairings. This is because when an Enneagram number is paired with someone a bit too similar to them, their worst qualities come out.
The introverted and introspecting pairing of the Nine and Five demonstrates these problems.
Enneagram 9’s and Fives both have difficulty with confrontation, uncomfortable conversations, and decision-making. Because of this, Nines and Fives will quickly grow apart from each other and often stay away to avoid awkward situations.
While this pairing is in no way toxic or harmful, the introverted nature that both types naturally gravitate toward might make it difficult for both individuals to feel the amount of love needed for a relationship.
Final Thoughts about Dating an Enneagram 9
Nines are some of the most stable people in our lives, and we should be truly grateful for them.
When a Nine is in a relationship, their entire world will revolve around their partner. Suppose you’re familiar with the idea that couples who have been together for ages start to look like each other. In that case, the Nine will do that tenfold and even begin to take on the characteristics, likes, and desires of their partners to create what they view to be a healthy and harmonious relationship.
We said it before, and we’ll say it again throughout this article: Enneagram 9’s are the using heroes of the Enneagram, and everyone needs to see the brilliant people they are.