I don’t care how long you’ve been dating him or how sweet he was to you at one point because it no longer matters. You have officially been dumped! So now what? All the signs were there. He stopped calling you every day. His texts decreased over time. And the sex? You can’t remember the last time you had sex, much less exciting, make-your-toes-curl mind-blowing sex.
It would be best if you had pulled the plug on your relationship long ago, but you didn’t. So instead, you chugged along doing the mundane things you learned to loathe, like eating together in complete silence because you no longer had anything in common to talk about. It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom. The relationship is officially dead, and now you’re free.
Or are you?
You’ve been in a relationship for so long that you have no idea where to begin. If you are newly dumped or even if it’s been some time, here are some steps to refresh your life and start anew.
Allow Yourself to Feel the Pain
Often, we think that since we were miserable in the relationship, being out of it would be complete bliss. But, unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Even in a dying relationship, we can still miss things about a partner when they’re not with us every day. The things you miss are typically the small things he did for you when you were happier at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, you won’t miss the arguing and the accusations. But then there are those times you used to bike ride together or watch a movie marathon on a rainy Sunday. Those are the times you’ll think fondly about. So allow yourself time to grieve the relationship before considering jumping into another one.
How Long Before I Get Involved in Another Relationship?
Every relationship is different. After a breakup, there is no set time to get involved with someone else. However, after a split, you should try to wait at least 3-5 months before becoming involved again. This doesn’t mean you can’t date, but when it comes to getting serious, pace yourself.
You may need more time if you have broken up after a long-term relationship. A good rule of thumb is 6 months to 1.5 years, depending on the duration of your relationship. However, if you feel you need more time, that’s okay, too! The point is to take some time to heal and get back out there when you’re ready.
To help move on, forgive your partner. It sounds easier said than done, huh? But if you hold on to any grudges or resentment, you risk carrying that baggage into the next relationship. Learn to let go of the past and forgive your ex for how you feel they wronged you.
By the same token, forgive yourself for any mistakes you made in the relationship. Of course, you can be accountable for your part, but just like you forgive your ex, forgive yourself. In addition, be willing to learn from past errors. This helps you make better decisions in the future. The 9 steps of forgiveness include:
- Be aware of your feelings and be able to articulate what was not okay in the relationship.
- Understand that forgiveness is for you and not for them.
- Do not hope for reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean you want to get back together with them. It’s the opposite. You want closure.
- Recognize how the breakup affects you today, not 5 years ago.
- Learn techniques to help you relax. When you feel upset about the past, focus on breathing to bring you back to the present.
- Realize what you can and cannot control. You cannot answer for anyone but yourself, so focus on yourself and not your ex returning to you.
- Keep it moving. Stop replaying what happened in your mind. Instead, find new activities that help you move on and focus on the positive future.
- Be active in change and stop waiting for things to happen.
- Rework your narrative. You are not the lonely person who got dumped. You are the one who is living a beautiful single life and enjoying every moment of it.
Do a Little Spring Cleaning
Getting your ex out of your life means doing just that. You can’t rid yourself of memories, but you can definitely rid yourself of all his stuff. Go through each room and discard everything about him that brings you sadness when you look at it. (This means small items. For example, don’t go tossing away the leather sofa because it was his favorite seat. Instead, have it deep cleaned.)
Please remove old photos, letters, or other mementos because holding on to them only encourages you to keep revisiting history. There’s nothing wrong with keeping memories as long as they don’t negatively affect you and cause you to feel bad every time you look at them. In the beginning, it may hurt. But eventually, you’ll move on.
A breakup can leave us wanting to do a little cleaning to help us gain a fresh start.
It’s normal to want to change our surroundings to give a newfound sense of life, so re-decorating post-dump is the perfect way to help move on.
It can be refreshing, therapeutic, and a cathartic outlet for pent-up emotions.
Here are a few ways to a some decorating.
Rearrange Your Furniture
One of the fastest ways to alter your surroundings is to move all the furniture. Start by making small changes, like moving a chair from one side of the room to another. If that’s not enough of a switch-up for you, rearrange your entire living room.
- Call your friends and order pizza
- Do a room swap. Switch out pieces from different rooms
- Liven up the area with some artwork
- Buy accent pieces
- Add some crown molding to change the look and feel of the room
Redecorate the Bedroom
This is an important room to alter because it’s your most intimate space, especially if you shared it with your ex. The bedroom is likely to contain all your personal memories and may be the most painful reminder of your relationship.
Recreate your bedroom and make it the private sanctuary it once was. If it’s within your budget, consider getting a new bed. At the very least, get a new mattress and some new sheets that fit your personal style.
Painting the wall is a perfect way to refresh your bedroom. Let your creative juices flow, and play around with colors to see what you like.
Choosing New Fragrances
Changing the scent of your home is one way to change things up a bit. Studies indicate that sense of smell is linked to memory, so the current scent of your home may evoke painful memories of your ex. Update the room’s aroma with some fresh flowers or scented candles. Citrus scents smell more natural and liven up any area.
It’s the Small Things That Count
Sometimes, you don’t even need to do a complete furniture overhaul. It can be the small things that make the difference. Why not get some new throw pillows, or reposition your television to face the next wall? You can also re-cushion a couch or paint one wall a different color. Again, the small, subtle changes can make all the difference.
Rejection stinks! It can make you question yourself and have you thinking things like, “I’m not loveable,” and “I can see why he dumped me.” When these thoughts persist over an extended period, it causes a dip in self-esteem. You start to question your worthiness, which affects other aspects of your life, like work and family life.
It’s easy to attempt to get back together because that was your comfort zone. However, maintain your dignity by not trying to force someone to be with you when they don’t want to be. Eventually, the right one will come to you, and you won’t have to prove anything to them because they will know your worth. Here are 5 brilliant ways to maintain high self-esteem post-breakup.
- Practice self-care. Start going to the gym or make a mani/Pedi trip a weekly activity
- Take a break from dating. Learn to hang out with your friends or yourself more
- Confide in family and friends. They will be able to walk you through your tough times
- Start journaling. Writing down your feelings will help you realize emotions you didn’t know you still had, like sadness and anger.
- Forgive and forget. The forgiving part is actually easier. The more complicated part is forgetting some of the harsher words exchanged.
If you still have a lot of emotions after a breakup, channel that energy elsewhere. Rather than lamenting about what went wrong, use that energy to focus on something more positive. For example, utilize that gym membership and work out some of your bad energy. When you become active, your body releases endorphins, which help to elevate your mood.
Now that you have free time, volunteer for a local cause. This not only keeps your body active, but it keeps your mind busy, too.
Your life isn’t what it once was, and that’s okay. Learn to embrace your new life. Try recent trends like that vegan cooking class you’ve always wanted to enroll in. Hang out with your friends more. Friends are there to love and support you, especially in your time of need.Here are other activities to try as a newly single hottie.
- Get a new haircut
- Check out a singles event (to hang out comfortably and not look for a replacement)
- Learn a new language or sign language
- Go to a yoga class
- Try a cooking class or a book club
- Go on a mini solo vacation or with a few friends
- Clean and re-decorate your place
What Not to do After Being Dumped
Most people discuss what you can do to help yourself after being dumped. However, there are certain things you should refrain from, too. Here are a few ways to make being dumped easier.
- Avoid social media as much as possible. If you haven’t deleted your ex yet, you will see everything they’re doing, which may bring back old feelings. You may also be inclined to check his status and latest pictures.
- Do not change your relationship status or post information about your breakup immediately. Contrary to popular belief, social media is not the place to air all your dirty laundry, especially angry, frustrated feelings toward your ex.
Instead of changing your status, consider hiding it from your social media friends for a while. Then, you can change it after some time, and they won’t even know the difference.
- Do not call your ex. Even if you got dumped on good terms (if there is such a thing), do not call your ex. It’s great that you are friends with your ex, but you don’t want your ex to think you’re trying to get back with them, therefore making the breakup more uncomfortable than it has to be. Give it some time, and then maybe send a short “Hey, how are ya?” text.
Never be ashamed to seek help when dealing with something as touchy as a breakup, especially if it is painful. There is plenty of outside assistance that can help. However, use an anonymous online site if an in-person visit makes you uncomfortable. You can also talk to trusted family and friends to help you through this tough time.
A breakup hurts. I get it. But it doesn’t have to be the end of your world. You survived. Now it’s time to thrive. Don’t rush to get back into another relationship because you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, take time to enjoy hanging out with yourself and your friends.
Get to know the true love of your life; yourself. Then, when you’re happy again without a partner, the right person who may be “the one” will come into your life.